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Generic Viruses are Generic – Albert

March 5, 2011

There’s one thing that’s always managed to intrigue me.

Zombies.

You know, zombies? The walking undead?

The inhuman result of a mass-spread, deadly virus that manages to get you sick, kills you, then brings you back to life?

Yeah, I never got that.

But nevertheless, the notion of the spread of a lethal virus is all too real. SARS or Swine flu anyone? But then… what are the odds of that particular virus being able to re-animate you as well?

Not as low as you might think.

I mean, the idea is so likely, that a whole sub- genre of movies and video games have spawned.

That makes it pretty likely.

And the usual, generic plot structure for a zombie apocalypse goes something like this:

The main character wakes up in a hospital, because conveniently, they succumbed to an injury right before the zombie outbreak occurred.

They stumble out of the hospital dramatically, all the while comprehending that the town around them has been abandoned.

Then comes the dawning realization, when the main character just happens to be ambushed by an unsuspecting zombie. The main character of course, gets out of it alive, as suddenly, out of nowhere, a survivor saves the day and kills the zombie with a swift blow to the ‘noggin.

The survivor then takes the main character to their fellow survivors, checks the main character over for any infection marks (which of course, there are none) then proceeds to have an intense interrogation scene. The main character passes with flying colours. The main character now has a posse.

Members of the posse tell the main character what has happened, and inform them that they are all immune to the virus. They will still catch it, however, if bit or scratched. Or ripped open.

Then one of two things happen.

Either the main character has a family, or significant other to get to and find.

OR…

The main character has been a loner for all their life, and conveniently, finds themselves a love interest in their newly-acquired posse.

If the main character took option one, the family or significant other is always found. It is up to how cruel and heartless the director is to determine whether they are alive, dead, or brain-hungry maggot-sacks.

If the main character took option two, the love interest either survives till the end, or gets killed off in an overly-theatrical fashion. This also depends on how morbid the director is. But either way, there will always be plenty of making out.

Then the rest of the movie is about making it safely to a quarantine zone. Of course, most everyone is killed off along the way.

And a backstory of the outbreak is apparently learned, in which we find out how the government was too incompetent to try to contain the virus. But eh, it’s the government, what do you really expect?

And then the movie ends with a dramatic cliffhanger.

Either the quarantine is a hoax, which made the whole movie pointless, or a cure is found at the quarantine site.

Both ways, a scene of the main character walking off into the barren sunset ends the whole thing.

Since mainly every zombie apocalypse follows this general plot-structure, if we do all the things that worked right for the main character, and avoided all the things they did wrong, we should be all set.

But that’s only if the outbreak actually happens.

If it doesn’t… well…

I just wasted a whole chunk of your life, and filled your head with pointless information.

But you came here to find out how a TALON’S mind works.

And you just got it.

See ya’ll in zombie form!

Or… not.

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